Into the starry blue...

My pops passed away on November 30th. It's been unbelievable, torturous, too quick and too soon. 

I am sad. Today we had the final walk through at Dad's apartment. It was weird. I remember how Dad smelled. His apartment smelled like him. I have a couple of his jackets that smell like him, like cigarette smoke and mint and aftershave. I think I will put them in a zipper bag so the smell will stay around longer. 

I still can't believe it happened so fast. I am reminded that I can't be on everyone else's time schedule for processing it. God's got it all worked out and I just take things a day at a time, a moment at a time, on the schedule He has for my heart. When I have a thought of Dad, I always try to hold it for the longest time, to remember what he looked like, what he sounded like, even into that last day. I worry that I will forget him.

Our relationship wasn't always the best, but I think I understand just a bit more what forgiveness is all about. It's not forgetting necessarily, but it's redefining what doesn't matter anymore, enough so it feels forgotten. I wasted a lot of time being mad at him, I think, and not figuring out how to move past that. Maybe I didn't want to. 

I hold tight knowing God knows our hearts, my heart, better than we think. He knows how to move us, how to comfort us in ways we don't even know we need. I am thankful for the Spirit who prays for our beautiful crazy selves when we can't find the words.

I miss my Dad. And that's the truth.