See. I already messed up. (New Entry - No. 3)

So, yeah. I was wrong there were actually two posts in that other blog. I lied. Here's one that came before the cookies. Mid-May 2009.

Blogging the heart stuff...

I decided to start another blog. One is for everyday stuff. We'll call that the tame one. It will have the pics and movies and funny little notes that happen on a particular day. It's kinda like the stuff I would share with a friend if they were with me. "Remember the time...?"

This new blog is a whole new ball game. I think I need to have a place where I can process. This is important because of several factors. One is I don't have a boyfriend/spouse/everyday best friend. Like I used to call D. in high school and talk for an hour or two even after we had been at school together all day. I miss that. I have great, loving friends I know I can call on in a real crisis. I am blessed in that area. But I feel like I can't just call up and say, "Hey, I stubbed my toe today and it made me think of my personal philosophy on the health care crisis..." I really don't think people are up for that.

Another factor is that I need a creative outlet. Lately, I have been making casseroles and desserts, which I will probably still do. But there has got to be more. There is definitely more to me than food. I think I write and take photos pretty well. I haven't got organized enough yet since my latest move to really get crafty or anything.

Yet another reason is that I feel like I have woken up after a long period of not listening to God and just kind of flailing around. I have a vision and a goal now. Kinda like getting ready for a race. Part of that is figuring out the whole getting healthy and back into running thing. I am on a health journey. So I will probably write about stuff like being a food addict here too.

I am also on a heart and soul journey. I think one of the other reasons I need an outlet like this is because I go through my day and see the sadness and selfishness in the world. I understand that the world is broken, a less than perfect expression of what God intended. I also know that I need to walk my faith, to look for the ways that God is growing me and changing me to be what he designed me to be. To me this is expressed in digging into the word, seeing what truth lies there, and how that fits into my daily actions actions and opinions and what attitudes I might need to change. I need to figure out how to relax in His grace because I am less than gracious to others a little too often for my comfort.

So it basically will all tie together in thought processes and things I was thinking about during the day. Sometimes I will try to prove myself wrong. Sometimes I won't. I will always be on the lookout for truth, not of the masses but God's truth, which I believe can be known by anyone who truly is seeking it. And it doesn't always match with what we think or what others say is the right thing to do. And it is absolute. Because if it's not, then nothing in the world really matters. I am not willing to give up just quite yet.

I say all that to say this. This is me. My thoughts. It may not be what you thought I was thinking. What I say here has the potential to be disagreeable to you. For anything that may offend, I might not apologize. I will however invite you to call me on my you-know-what. I will also invite you to dig a little deeper on your own. Read. Pray. Don't take things of this world at face value. Because usually that's valueless and there is really more going on than we can even imagine. I'll be doing the same. And doing my best to show love, even if we don't agree.

New Entry - No. 2

Here is an entry I did on my other blog about cookies. In fact, it will be the only entry for that blog as I will be shuttin' 'er down. *Sad face* It's from the end of July 2009.

The One Chip Cookie

Sometimes, these days, I feel like my life is like a chocolate chip cookie with just one chip. Let me explain...

This week, my mom made a big old batch of the best chocolate chip cookies in the world. I've literally been eating batches of this cookie since I could eat solids. Which is probably why I will die from Crisco congestion rather than aspartame tumors. The latter problem only started in about 5th or 6th grade with the Diet Pepsi-and-dill pickles-as-an-after-school-snack phase.

Mom always puts in more chips than Mrs. Crocker calls for in said cookie recipe, which you think would solve the problem of too much dough and not enough chip once the baking process is complete. Well, it doesn't always go like that. You see, today, when I was eating these pieces of heaven, I noticed something interesting.

Most of the cookies were perfectly balanced. Just enough dough to keep things neatly suspended, not to many chips that would cause unwanted crumblings in the hand. But there were others. There were some cookies that had too many chips, so that they did crumble. These cookies left "chip tracks" on my warm palm. My mouth took a bite and said, "Woah. Not normal. But super good times."

Then I would come across the cookie that held just one, single, solitary chip. I kid you not. For all of the extra thought and love that went into the entire batch, there was still these few cookies that fell way below the median on chip quantity. I was eating one and it felt like I was lost in this vast brown sugar, butter and flour cloud. My mouth said, "Woah. Not normal. But I sure do love a break from chocolate that includes butter and brown sugar."

I finally found the one chip, hanging out way on the edge of the thing. I wondered if my mom had suddenly come to the end of the bowl realized that she had more dough than chip. Then I found other similar cookie situations. At that point, I also realized she was baking really late that night and probably just didn't pay attention to that part of the process. I mean, who would?

Even though my mom baked these in the fashion she's been doing since 1970 and even though there was a bunch of love baked into that batch, because they weren't just for me (half went to someone that needed a little extra support this week), there was still the imperfect specimen. I inevitably found under-loaded or overloaded cookies. And they were still the best cookies in the world and worth gobbling up.

So how does that relate to my feelings about where my life is at these days? Well, I just realized that sometimes we make it seem like a "less than" situation when we get less chips in our cookie. Less isn't always bad. Sometimes we give too much importance when we pull out the "more than" cookie to enjoy. More isn't always better. As someone once said, sometimes it's just more.

When we go through times of more or less, it doesn't mean that God planned on giving us less or more to make is feel a certain way about ourselves. He gives us exactly what we need at exactly the right time. He loves us at the same level whether we are satisfied or not, broke or not, out of gas or ready to carpool. When we start only looking at what we had in the past or at what He has chosen to allow others to experience and have, then we get in trouble.

I'll be honest. I've been funked out lately. I am starting this new path but I still get side tracked when I look at where my friends and family all are. It can go down hill quickly from there. Yes, I know that what things look like on the outside is often not what is going on in reality. But I still will find my self wanting more, wanting one of those chip overload editions. I don't want stuff, but things like kids, my own living space, to be able to have only my food stocked in the fridge again, a car that doesn't sound like it's going to launch to the moon.

So, I'll be practicing cookie contentment for a while. I know that there is a purpose to what I am doing now. I also know that God is the one that made this path for me. When I am in the middle of a one chip cookie, that's is o.k. I will take the time to relish in the brown sugar and butter. It's all part of the same batch, you know.

New Entry - No. 1

Proof that Jesus loves me. Or loves to deliver my pizza at least!