Into the starry blue...

My pops passed away on November 30th. It's been unbelievable, torturous, too quick and too soon. 

I am sad. Today we had the final walk through at Dad's apartment. It was weird. I remember how Dad smelled. His apartment smelled like him. I have a couple of his jackets that smell like him, like cigarette smoke and mint and aftershave. I think I will put them in a zipper bag so the smell will stay around longer. 

I still can't believe it happened so fast. I am reminded that I can't be on everyone else's time schedule for processing it. God's got it all worked out and I just take things a day at a time, a moment at a time, on the schedule He has for my heart. When I have a thought of Dad, I always try to hold it for the longest time, to remember what he looked like, what he sounded like, even into that last day. I worry that I will forget him.

Our relationship wasn't always the best, but I think I understand just a bit more what forgiveness is all about. It's not forgetting necessarily, but it's redefining what doesn't matter anymore, enough so it feels forgotten. I wasted a lot of time being mad at him, I think, and not figuring out how to move past that. Maybe I didn't want to. 

I hold tight knowing God knows our hearts, my heart, better than we think. He knows how to move us, how to comfort us in ways we don't even know we need. I am thankful for the Spirit who prays for our beautiful crazy selves when we can't find the words.

I miss my Dad. And that's the truth.

INFJ - A Rare Breed

I am home sick today. I can't sleep because I keep coughing and I am trying NOT to watch t.v. I should really be studying. Instead, as I surf the internets, I am reminded of this wonderful fact of how I am created.

I am an INFJ. I am rare.

An INFJ is a personality type which you can read about here. Only 1% of the US population is made up of INFJ's. I've taken several of these types of tests over the years and of the four categories, only the I (introvert) part is close enough to it's counterpart E (extrovert) to cross the line. So at one point I leaned toward an ENFJ (still rare at 4%).

I realized, after some research, I really am introverted. I just learned some extroverted behaviors, mostly because I found that sometimes you will get more out of your life experiences by stepping out of your comfort zones. I often wonder what this means for me today as I am more comfortable with my introverted side and don't worry so much about keeping up with those wild extroverts any more. :)

So, I share this distinction with this guy:

These two ladies:

(Carrie, not Leia)

And this guy:

(Luke, not Mark)

Also, this gives me some direction in career choices. Nice to know I am already heading in a direction that is a good fit. 

Do you know your personality type? I'd love to hear about it in a comment.

More cookie analogy... Fresh out of the oven.

We all get the opportunity to enjoy cookies in life. You know, the sweet stuff. Sometimes there are more chips in our cookie. Sometimes less. It is not dependent on whether we grab the cookie out of the jar or someone hands it to us from afar. We still get to eat cookies, right?

Why I Focus On Conan And Ignore My Own Life

I was just about to respond to a friends post on Facebook about whether one should feel bad that he gets paid a crazy amount of money to stay off of the airwaves for a while.


It seems unnecessary that he gets paid for "not working". In one way, that just goes with the whole hollywood dis-proportionate work load to money ratio for stars that is unfortunately fed by most of western society and based on reaction to the short term most of the time. However, I do think that it sucks for him because in the general picture it doesn't seem that contracts mean a whole lot any more - people just do what they want and deal with the consequences. How many people do you know that have broken a rental lease? Or copied a CD or DVD from a friend for themselves?


Only the staff that came with him to the Tonight Show form Late Night will get any part of that settlement money.  Other people lost their behind the scenes jobs with no back up. People that have regular salaries that pay for regular mortgages and support regular families. All of them have to look for other jobs. I know several people who work in the industry, mostly behind the scenes stuff. They work their butts off. I myself was a chihuahua wrangler for a day just for a super local indie director and I was amazed at the brain power that went into making the actors look good and what the actors were responsible for to make the scenes go well. It is work.


Also NBC is a poorly run company. They seem to be more loyal to Jay who couldn't cut it in prime time (trust me, I tried to watch him for awhile) and less loyal to Conan even though there were contracts in place and my understanding is they wanted him there and spent much energy in that transition. Everybody knows a show like that takes a while to get going. Certainly more than 7 months. There are other shows that I have enjoyed as well that don't really seem to get a fair shot or they let the staples drag on and on. They never canceled Saturday Night when it sucked worse then Leno's new show.


Truly there are few who will ever know what really went on, all the details of the contract, which parts of this whole fiasco are souped up for public consumption. It certainly has got people all over the world talking. It took a devastating earthquake to kind of cool off the topic for a while.


Which brings me to my next point. Why am I even worried about this. It doesn't effect me. There have been so many things in my life that I am not dealing with, the fact that I choose to float out my own opinion on this over the internets kind of baffles me.


I could choose to write about my beautiful and well loved aunt that passed last week. I could choose to write about other people in my family that are sick and why that is completely unfair. I could choose to write about how I have probably been depressed about the state of my own life. Feeling stuck and fat and unmotivated and generally bored. I could choose to write about how I feel disconnected and angry at myself that I don't do a lot to change those things.


It's easier to talk about things that don't force me to feel pain or joy for the fear of what it will do to me. Seeing this written down makes me think maybe it's time to change that.


Oh, I'll probably still talk about things like Hollywood and Haiti, but maybe I'll make more of an effort to address today, what I see, what I feel, since some big changes are coming up. I think I will do that. Make the commitment to share, to write about reality, everyday stuff. Even if it brings tears or means sharing joy with others even though they might be gone sooner (or later). Or sharing in others joy from afar.


Here's to really feelin' it.

Here's the thing...

There are a lot of things you'll learn about me here, like the fact I love Jesus. Yeah, it's true. Been that way since I can remember. But I also live in the real world. I am definitely not 100% from a mold of any particular sort. I try to work out my faith in love, and, of course, mess up quite often. I am pretty sure we've all seen each other in one not so perfect moment or another.

I believe God made a place for us where we can experience great moments of awesomeness, even in its flawed state. The world is full of wonders and wonderful people. I love exploring that. I say that because another thing I do is appreciate (and flaw-fully squawk too much about) how he's created other people and what gifts they use or don't use well. Some of those wonders are seen in people that may not believe or conduct themselves exactly like you or I do.

So just be prepared. You may be challenged. I don't have kids or anything so I don't always focus on filtering for the younger crowd. I may link to a blog that has cussing, love a movie you think is repugnant or type away with an opinion that you might not agree with. That's super! Let's talk it out.

This blog is just me being me. While I'm generally going to just go on sharing about my life, I'm ok with being gracefully challenged by others to really think through what I say. However, I do request that you don't go BUSTIN ' CHOPS about it. Whether said chops are mine or someone else's. People rarely change their mind when yelled at. I've never met a siren with follow through.

Besides, even if you hate Jesus, I still think you are worth the love as truthfully, gracefully and best as I can give it to you.

See. I already messed up. (New Entry - No. 3)

So, yeah. I was wrong there were actually two posts in that other blog. I lied. Here's one that came before the cookies. Mid-May 2009.

Blogging the heart stuff...

I decided to start another blog. One is for everyday stuff. We'll call that the tame one. It will have the pics and movies and funny little notes that happen on a particular day. It's kinda like the stuff I would share with a friend if they were with me. "Remember the time...?"

This new blog is a whole new ball game. I think I need to have a place where I can process. This is important because of several factors. One is I don't have a boyfriend/spouse/everyday best friend. Like I used to call D. in high school and talk for an hour or two even after we had been at school together all day. I miss that. I have great, loving friends I know I can call on in a real crisis. I am blessed in that area. But I feel like I can't just call up and say, "Hey, I stubbed my toe today and it made me think of my personal philosophy on the health care crisis..." I really don't think people are up for that.

Another factor is that I need a creative outlet. Lately, I have been making casseroles and desserts, which I will probably still do. But there has got to be more. There is definitely more to me than food. I think I write and take photos pretty well. I haven't got organized enough yet since my latest move to really get crafty or anything.

Yet another reason is that I feel like I have woken up after a long period of not listening to God and just kind of flailing around. I have a vision and a goal now. Kinda like getting ready for a race. Part of that is figuring out the whole getting healthy and back into running thing. I am on a health journey. So I will probably write about stuff like being a food addict here too.

I am also on a heart and soul journey. I think one of the other reasons I need an outlet like this is because I go through my day and see the sadness and selfishness in the world. I understand that the world is broken, a less than perfect expression of what God intended. I also know that I need to walk my faith, to look for the ways that God is growing me and changing me to be what he designed me to be. To me this is expressed in digging into the word, seeing what truth lies there, and how that fits into my daily actions actions and opinions and what attitudes I might need to change. I need to figure out how to relax in His grace because I am less than gracious to others a little too often for my comfort.

So it basically will all tie together in thought processes and things I was thinking about during the day. Sometimes I will try to prove myself wrong. Sometimes I won't. I will always be on the lookout for truth, not of the masses but God's truth, which I believe can be known by anyone who truly is seeking it. And it doesn't always match with what we think or what others say is the right thing to do. And it is absolute. Because if it's not, then nothing in the world really matters. I am not willing to give up just quite yet.

I say all that to say this. This is me. My thoughts. It may not be what you thought I was thinking. What I say here has the potential to be disagreeable to you. For anything that may offend, I might not apologize. I will however invite you to call me on my you-know-what. I will also invite you to dig a little deeper on your own. Read. Pray. Don't take things of this world at face value. Because usually that's valueless and there is really more going on than we can even imagine. I'll be doing the same. And doing my best to show love, even if we don't agree.

New Entry - No. 2

Here is an entry I did on my other blog about cookies. In fact, it will be the only entry for that blog as I will be shuttin' 'er down. *Sad face* It's from the end of July 2009.

The One Chip Cookie

Sometimes, these days, I feel like my life is like a chocolate chip cookie with just one chip. Let me explain...

This week, my mom made a big old batch of the best chocolate chip cookies in the world. I've literally been eating batches of this cookie since I could eat solids. Which is probably why I will die from Crisco congestion rather than aspartame tumors. The latter problem only started in about 5th or 6th grade with the Diet Pepsi-and-dill pickles-as-an-after-school-snack phase.

Mom always puts in more chips than Mrs. Crocker calls for in said cookie recipe, which you think would solve the problem of too much dough and not enough chip once the baking process is complete. Well, it doesn't always go like that. You see, today, when I was eating these pieces of heaven, I noticed something interesting.

Most of the cookies were perfectly balanced. Just enough dough to keep things neatly suspended, not to many chips that would cause unwanted crumblings in the hand. But there were others. There were some cookies that had too many chips, so that they did crumble. These cookies left "chip tracks" on my warm palm. My mouth took a bite and said, "Woah. Not normal. But super good times."

Then I would come across the cookie that held just one, single, solitary chip. I kid you not. For all of the extra thought and love that went into the entire batch, there was still these few cookies that fell way below the median on chip quantity. I was eating one and it felt like I was lost in this vast brown sugar, butter and flour cloud. My mouth said, "Woah. Not normal. But I sure do love a break from chocolate that includes butter and brown sugar."

I finally found the one chip, hanging out way on the edge of the thing. I wondered if my mom had suddenly come to the end of the bowl realized that she had more dough than chip. Then I found other similar cookie situations. At that point, I also realized she was baking really late that night and probably just didn't pay attention to that part of the process. I mean, who would?

Even though my mom baked these in the fashion she's been doing since 1970 and even though there was a bunch of love baked into that batch, because they weren't just for me (half went to someone that needed a little extra support this week), there was still the imperfect specimen. I inevitably found under-loaded or overloaded cookies. And they were still the best cookies in the world and worth gobbling up.

So how does that relate to my feelings about where my life is at these days? Well, I just realized that sometimes we make it seem like a "less than" situation when we get less chips in our cookie. Less isn't always bad. Sometimes we give too much importance when we pull out the "more than" cookie to enjoy. More isn't always better. As someone once said, sometimes it's just more.

When we go through times of more or less, it doesn't mean that God planned on giving us less or more to make is feel a certain way about ourselves. He gives us exactly what we need at exactly the right time. He loves us at the same level whether we are satisfied or not, broke or not, out of gas or ready to carpool. When we start only looking at what we had in the past or at what He has chosen to allow others to experience and have, then we get in trouble.

I'll be honest. I've been funked out lately. I am starting this new path but I still get side tracked when I look at where my friends and family all are. It can go down hill quickly from there. Yes, I know that what things look like on the outside is often not what is going on in reality. But I still will find my self wanting more, wanting one of those chip overload editions. I don't want stuff, but things like kids, my own living space, to be able to have only my food stocked in the fridge again, a car that doesn't sound like it's going to launch to the moon.

So, I'll be practicing cookie contentment for a while. I know that there is a purpose to what I am doing now. I also know that God is the one that made this path for me. When I am in the middle of a one chip cookie, that's is o.k. I will take the time to relish in the brown sugar and butter. It's all part of the same batch, you know.